Dead feelings

I know much more than I did prior to my brain injury, but I doubt I will ever regain my emotional depth. That photo of that drowned Salvadoran father with his daughter does nothing to me. I don’t know if I’ll be a good person ever again. I will still do the right thing, without passion or much feeling…

I can still feel compassion, pity, sympathy, pleasure from helping others. But they have to be so close to my actual body. Otherwise, they are mere abstractions, they might as well not exist for me. I care for the patients. I think. I sincerely do… I think. But otherwise, it is difficult to connect…

I am trying my best to live. Am I succeeding? Have I done well? Are my friends ashamed of me?

I can see Sei’s face clearly. I can see his sadness for me. He exists for me. The other people I know… are so far away. Maybe one day I’ll be able to connect again…